WHAT WOULD I SAY TO ME 6 YEARS AGO? Six years down the line i realised all the mistake’s i had made, all the bad choices the level of thinking and lack of confidence.not knowing that i should have just stayed in my lane and not rush to grow up not really realising that they […]
WHAT WOULD I SAY TO ME 6 YEARS AGO?
Six years down the line i realised all the mistake’s i had made, all the bad choices the level of thinking and lack of confidence.not knowing that i should have just stayed in my lane and not rush to grow up not really realising that they is a real big world out there and thing wont be the same environment would change the comfort of my pink walls with posters of my Fav singers. not realising the protection i had i took it for grunted i just wanted to be a big girl!!! with all that here is a sneak peek of my reality.
With all the things they pardon and say to me you never knew any better!
But now she was siting with the consequences the ‘mess’
“Trust me” she says they always is a mess no matter how innocent the situation may have been. It is just one of the lessons of life, Something we can never ran away from, it always catches up with you. And so she asked herself, am i allowed to be this upset? am i still being inconsiderate, do we not acknowledge the other persons emotinos.are we still wrong then for wanting to cry and be vulnerable? we say communication is everything and when you let people inn they try to fix you or care for you.As it was once said “everyone wants to be heard” I thought if we specified how we would want that person to react it would be easier for them,we indicate that you just looking for emotional support because that person knows you and would remind you how much of an amazing person you are, you where hoping that person would jog your memory and remind you that your sacrifices are worth-while.And tell you that you not crazy or depressed!Your not asking for a solution you just need to hear a voice other than your own.should i still feel guilty for that?
In the end you feel nothing for yourself, just another girl with fucked up daddy issues because our daddy’s never took care of their mess.But the girl holds no bitterness to her dady,she bashes herself for her situation her tears, her outcome of life..Silently she’s asking for help how does she deal with her emotions with out it casing conflict in the home she calls her own.She finds it no-ones responsiblity but her own could we not pardon her for her aggressive approach maybe shes just upset, don’t fight her she just wants to cry for a bit and be right as rain in a few. dont fight her! question it if you may,help her get through it emotionally.
And so we try to find out why this happens, how do you know when your fighting for something that is not fit for you , and so we wonder what makes anything.And is they anything wrong with excepting all of a sudden i feel all of these things that are wrong and i don’t know how to do with it im confused and wonder im i just going off what i was advised?thing is i have no problem respecting i think…but to what extent will you take it too.will you attack me for the small things i guess i have to find out .the thing that makes me drought my thoughts is that i really dont want to do without you , i find no one else attractive but feel you can be so normal at times so bland and it irritates me. you bitterness wants to make me cry sometimes,
And they also the fear of taking another leap i would be stupid to do so wouldnt i?MAYBE HIS RIGHT maybe i don’t know a good thing when i got it.. some women long for this.this is what i wanted so now that im not getting things my way i start to second guess everything..your words just keep playing in my mind to a point where a sorry would make it all better but i would never get that from you , and i fail to communicate that with you because you might just take me apart,, not even a sorry for the words you so head strong that you meant every word and feel you will stand by it, im not looking to shuck you but you are the ultimate example of dont crack ,, i used to be like that too you know,
people don’t just cry by them selves , they dont just feel sad for nothing if nothing is hurting them,,,i want to turn off and not care ,i dont want to feel as though i am the only one here ,, i may not pay bills,or have the roll you have , but i would like to belive i am a way better person ,, i want to be mad at you i want you to do something wrong and feel what it feels like to be torn apart and to be confused ,
but then again this might be a lash out at the fact that we sitting home on a weekend watching sport , but then again money does not grow on trees i still want to do shopping for the home tommor.even if i stay , the longer i stay the more i lose myself ,, but im afraid to face the world even though im alone , im not good at anything.
Day by day i cant help but feel like my soul is searching, i am constantly feeling overwhelmed, sadness flooded with feelings of anxiety and depression,all the time the events of my life keep playing over and over in my mind, constantly reminding me of all the things i have not done yet. i cant help but feel like my life is complicated,It feels like my life is being divided in two.I never really want to talk about most of my emotions to my partner because he might just not be so open to seeing me self distract.
Over and over we have spoken about our plans and on top of all my emotions i have to set them aside because i need to be able to give the vision my utmost undivided attention and faith, i try to explain to my partner that i suffer from slight depression just don’t think he realize how serious i am, i try and be strong and pull my wight preform my roll and not allow this defeated emotion to stand in my way,i also don’t want to come across as over bearing! Shame the poor man has so much to deal with already, with his new app coming out soon i feel like it would be the worst of me to try to poor out myself to him and besides, i always snap out of my coil of slight depression after iv worked it through with myself.
My emotions get me so sick to the gut,throwing-up is defiantly an option, i am not afraid of being depressed i am more curious of the time passing me by. i am so young in it all and am afraid i might just fuck up again and this time it wont be so simple to slip away and not give a dam!This time they is so much weighing on my side that could just get me down for a very long time.(I DON’T WISH THAT )
I had told myself that i wanted this blog to be somewhat inspirational and not a DEAR DIARY vent`but i’m sure this is how some of you might feel.i am stopped in my tracks because i do not want this to be about me, i might just end up saying to much and dig myself deeper into a coil of miserableness. eventually we all snap out of this ugly place.
All i can think about now is a (on the rock’s) Wiskey from my partners bar!!!kikiki helps me everytime!!i hope he wont mind..one or two will do the trick along with positive thoughts and maybe if i’m there yet a good melody to really seal the lid on this unsealable jar of crazyness.
until next time, my constant compainion
So many questions we have for you,the why’s,How’s and when’s? whispering these questions into your ear, we deny you respect, We blame you so much because we feel your being unfair, us failing to take responsibility for our situations and so we say “You are to blame” With out hesitation in our minds we spit words that burn like fire and its all pointed at you! questioning the way of the univers only because we do not want to understand it.Its almost simple to understand you yet so difficult, We are reckless with you all we do is complain about how hard you have made it for us, we blame you for sickness, death,poverty and misfortune forgetting that you are just doing what you where told .Not seeing the bigger picture we dwell in the mess of our circumstances and because our eyes are sailed shut we do not want to see your beauty.
Dear life i would like to believe that everything has beauty in it because you do not answer me and dialog with me as i wish i feel we could not relate and so i dismiss you.
I did not understand that my individual self was chosen and with me being chosen you where joint with me so that i could have experiences, learn lessons, and the choice to become or think of myself anyway that i chose to.
You see life, correct me if i am wrong but everyone wonders what you are? I am not saying i fully understand you myself. but i do know everything that was created by our creator gave us the chance to live!for humans he breathed into our lungs giving us life and gave us a soul, and the air he breathed into us was “YOU” life! our creator gave us the blessing of living.
and so life i still have a million questions for you, but i promise to do better, i promise myself i will own up to my mistakes and take responsibility for my mistakes, i promise to exhaust my fall potential and to cut the bad habits, i promise to be and do better and believe in myself more, i promise to stop blaming you instead i will call myself to order.
and when you put challenges in my way i will always remember that they are for the best.I not sure how this works but if i could, could i apologize for every one else that was created that mistreated you like i did
Sacrifices where never meant to be easy, Staying strong is never easy.I know what they going to say ” LOOK TO THE FUTURE ” but when you look in the present the future seems so far, probably because we can never feel it or see it. But yet we hope, we hope that its all worth it we try and not fear the unknown, we try not to doubt the process we live and hope it will fix its self along the way the untruths we never mentioned we hope they never come to light, And so we exist.
Its hard not to feel when we know it has to be dealt with and at the same time we trying to balance all the other aspects of our lives.We hoped that we knew better in the past and blame ourselves for our situation. But the past is unchangeable because it is the past.And again i know what they going to say “BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT YOUR NOW”!
Deep down inside your afraid, this fear is so blury and so distant in your emotions its so hard to identify accompanied with this feeling is the thought that blocks you actually from defining this fear your mind just wont concentrate on putting the effort to thinking about the fear even for a moment, Its almost as though you don’t want to say it out aloud. So what do we do then? When your emotional and scared, you know what to do but fear the outcome of this fear you fear so much.
This fear cripples you,makes you weak and vulnerable. Your own fear turns against you and you panic. You delay to deal with your commitments or stick to your strategy and by the time you look again you still have that same fearful emotion.
Its moments like now I find peace and zen with-in myself,the house is silent,dinners ready they is order. I think to myself what a perfect time to blog since I’ve not done so in a while. Before I start flowing with words I always take a minute to think about what it is I want to share. Today I find myself feeling blank and just abit overwhelmed. My feeling is not from no where I guess its from previous events that has happened over the weeks of my silence . my partner said something I found to be so amazing he said to me and I qoute
“they are (2) types of major emotions we feel . 1.FEAR
It made so much sense to me I felt chills ran down my spin. I almost felt as though he was reading my mind. Early on that day I had a sudden feeling of fear,I had all these not so positive thoughts ran through my mind, and the worst scary part of it all was that while deep in my thoughts I realized I was already putting together a ‘solution’ if you may call it and my solution was very disturbing. I managed to snap out of my thoughts and reminded myself that they is no good that comes from negative thinking . if anything I am attracting it to come to pass. I was in such fear my mind took me places and began making me think of such negative and so I had to stop myself right there. I can not fear the unknown..
Secondly the is LOVE . now I’m not going to elaborate so much on love because I feel they is a million perceptions about love and besides so my people write about love. I am in love but I have a question maybe you can pose to yourself .
Is it not scary to even think that one day you will lose the person you love ? How do you carry on . with all the amazing memories and life built carrying on with out the makes me feel sick to my gut . I don’t know that’s just me I guess I am still trying to wip up the guts to ask myself how can I fear the unknown.
The term life is so wide, they is many ways to define and understand life .the beauty of it is such that you could look at life from a deep inside look or just look at life from its outter appearance. Picture life as a piece of Art; a piece that catches your eye,a piece you could stear at for hours. When you look at this work of Art you can relate to it, you are in understanding and feel almost as though it’s yours .
Life can be looked at in the same way. Ever heard of that fraze “Every time i look at it,i see somthing new”?
Just by looking at this peice you could make a whole story up in your imagination,you could define the characters,you could even go as deep as dicribing the emotions by the expression in the art.
Is it just me or have you not noticed that is how we look at life? Every time we take time to sit back and reflect on our personal lives we visualize! It best happens when we think back at happy,sad,challenging,crazy moments. I use the word “moments” becase moments are never remembered as a flim roll play but as glimpses “pictures” accompanied with words of familiur voices,laughs and sounds.
A peice of Art could have (10) different shades and could tell a thousand words but it’s still so beautiful. Unique by its story strong in character and bold in colour. Doesn’t that sound familiur?
If you do not see the point yet i will say it to you!!!
It is your life!!!!your picture,your piece of Art,your story,your uniqueness. Look at your peice of Art and the beauty,perfect it make it bold make it be Beautiful
Being the young women she was she was ambitious,she was strong. She never held anyone responsible or accountable for failures in her life. She was wronged many times and she wronged too she was no where near perfect… A good hearted women just always found it hard to smile at her achievements and hardly even noticed she had. Her character so full of life, with a wide beautiful smile and bright teeth, fair skinned with black thick healty African hair. Many told her she was beautiful!slim,perfectly fitted body with everything just the right proportion. It did not really matter to her,she felt less then pretty or independent. She found herself what it seemed to be always making the worst decisions. With her ego short down and low self esstim how could she find it in herself to love what she saw in the mirror!! She had convinced herself that she had her life under control but what did she know!!at the age of (20) had her first child,then went on to do what she thought was right and got married. Poor girl what did she know at the time,who did she have to tell/advise her.. she had amazing family, an uncle who loved her like his own. And ‘Boy’did they try to warn her “I have it under control ” her mind convinced. She took advise as though it where a personal attack on her. She lost herself in her own world .
In what ever we do in our lives time is always around us . Our day,lives consist of time. What are we doing with our time. Are you happy with how you spent your day today¿
Allowing yourself to use time is the source of everythig we do in our day to day lives. So why not , yes sure the have deadlines but let’s look at it from a calm and simple thinking . Allow yourself to think through, allow your self to solve and it will come to you . Ever notice how rushed desicion always flop? Now ask yourself
“did I give myself time to think it out ” I have had to apply it in my own life .
Here is a little story about myself.
They came a time in my life I did not know what I wanted to be . That stage in your life you ask yourself what is my purpose ! Well it took me many loops and hoops to get the answer. With positive people around me they only enabled the person that I am today . But still once I came to terms with what it is I want to be someday I still felt stuck . I asked myself “how ” in the back of my mind it seemed to be there but I just could not spit the words out . So I started reading motivational and self development books . From there I got that using time to its fullest I will figure it out some how ! And so I did . I wrote everyday (I love writing by the way ) as time gose by the same positive people I associated myself with asked me how I was doing . I told them I know what my passion is but just don’t know how to get there . The suggestion of starting a blog came up and my face lit up !!!!
Yes!!! A blog that’s how I could get heard,express and touch people exactly what I wanted to do my pure intention .
The moral of what I’m putting across is that i did not awake the next day and was on it, I took time I researched on bloggers and how influential we are . I GAVE MYSELF TIME !!!
And look now .. I have my own blog
#small achievements make a big diffrence …….